How Do Editors Do It?
Do you ever feel you'd like a second opinion on a particularly
miserable paragraph you’ve been editing? You could buy a Yes Man. A battery-operated
plastic bust of a smirking guy in coat and tie, Yes Man always responds to your
ideas eagerly — too eagerly, in fact: “I couldn’t agree with ya more completely!”
“How do you do it?!” But you’d probably be better off hearing
how different editors would approach a similar piece of copy. So that’s what we’re going to show you.
We found the following paragraph accidentally while doing
an Internet search:
Your Body’s Many Cries for Water
Because of a gradually failing thirst sensation, our body
becomes chronically and increasingly dehydrated from an early adult age. With
increase in age, the water content of the cells of the body decreases, to the
point that the ratio of the volume of body water that is inside the cells to that
which is outside the cells changes from a figure of 1.1 to almost 0.8. This is
a very drastic change. Since the ‘water’ that we drink provides for the cell function
and volume requirements, the decrease in our daily water intake affects the efficiency
of cell activity. As a result, chronic dehydration causes symptoms that equal
disease when the other signals of dehydration are not understood — as they are
not at present, since these signals are treated as abnormal and dealt with by
the use of medications.
The Eye's copyeditor, Judy Cleary, commented, “This is the hardest kind of
copy to edit — and there’s a lot of it around. At first it seems polished, but
the more you look at it, the more it starts slipping away from your grasp. Sometimes
it’s almost unfixable because there are so many holes.” But her edit, the first one, shows what can be done and the questions one hopes can be asked of the author.
From time to time, EEI Communications editors reveal
their thinking in the Eye as they size up a piece of dreadful copy like this. Assumptions
and plans of attack will differ because “fixing things” involves making subjective
judgments about focus, emphasis, and comprehensibility. That’s why substantive
editing is so hard to teach. Learning to do it really means learning how other
editors do it. Let’s pretend you have enough authority to proceed to the point
of rewriting. Try an edit of this paragraph and compare yours with ours. We hope
you’ll react to this exercise the way Yes Man would, grinning, “Say,
I wish I’d thoughta that!” — Linda Jorgensen, editor of the Eye
Editor 1
As an “intuitive” editor, I tend to go with what sounds better
to me and what I believe will make sense to the reader. Having a background in
journalism, I also lean toward simple, straightforward prose that sounds as though
a human being wrote it. In addition to general smoothing, I reordered the sentences
to improve the flow and added a couple of words (“dangerous” and “inappropriate”)
that created a little more intensity. The last sentence sounds better as the beginning
of another paragraph. If I were the reader, I’d want more information: How does
water help cells function? What is the source for the ratios, especially the adult
ratio — is it an average? worst-case? What are the symptoms of chronic dehydration
and what disease symptoms do they resemble?
Water is essential for cell functioning, but because our
sense of thirst gradually diminishes beginning in early adulthood, many people
become chronically and increasingly dehydrated. As adults feel less thirst and
thus drink less water, the water content of the body’s cells decreases and cell
activity is impaired, sometimes to a dangerous extent. In children, the ratio
of the volume of water outside the cells to that inside the cells is 1:1; as we
age, the ratio decreases to almost 0.8:1 — a drastic change.
The symptoms of chronic dehydration are poorly understood;
they are often mistaken for symptoms of various diseases and are inappropriately
treated with medications.
Editor 2
Although I changed things significantly, I tried to keep
as many of the author’s words as possible. First I tried to figure out what the
paragraph was trying to say and then moved things around to make it convey its
message more clearly. I changed the title to make it more forceful and generally
simplified the language and eliminated the redundancy (the word count dropped
by about 30 words). I thought the original paragraph became muddled at the end
(the syntax got unnecessarily complicated); the author was trying to explain the
interrelationship among several factors, so the edit still resulted in a complex
sentence, but one that I hope is clearer.
Your Body Cries for Water
From early adulthood, we gradually feel less thirsty, with
the result that we drink less water and our bodies become increasingly and chronically
dehydrated. As we age, then, the water content in our cells decreases so much
that the ratio of the water inside the cells to that outside falls from 1 to 1
to almost 0.8 to 1 — a drastic change. Volume requirements and cell function
depend on the water we drink, so the decline in our daily intake means that cell
efficiency declines as well and leads to signs and symptoms that are mistaken
for disease, which is then treated with medication, because chronic dehydration
(the real cause) is poorly understood.
Editor 3
I adopted the second person from the title, assuming, without
seeing a full document, that this was intended as a type of public service announcement.
I’d probably query what “good” water volume ratio is and how fast it drops (over
a lifetime or immediately in those early years) and what age is meant by “early
adult age.” I’d also confirm my guess that rehydration is needed or ask what the
proper remedy would be, ask what people should do to avoid this problem, and see
if the author wants to include things that health care workers should look for.
(All this may be included in the surrounding text, though.)
Water is necessary for proper cell function and volume requirements.
And a decrease in your daily water intake can actually reduce cell efficiency.
Beginning in early adulthood, your thirst sensation gradually fails and your body
becomes increasingly dehydrated. The water content of the cells decreases, and
the ratio of water volume in the cells to that outside the cells drops drastically,
from 1.1 to barely 0.8. Chronic dehydration can cause symptoms that mimic disease.
When other signals of dehydration are not recognized, health care workers treat
these signals with medicine rather than the necessary rehydration.
Editor 4
My approach would be to reduce the text to only what makes
sense to me, because I’d assume there’s no way one can query the author. I’m pretty
ruthless with what I can’t figure out. Hence I’d simply rephrase what I think
I understand and leave out the rest of the original text that fails the sense
test: e.g., from any early adult age, volume requirements, and all
that stuff about the ratio of the volume of body water [inside and outside
the cells] from 1.1 to almost 0.8. I rewrote the title as well.
Your Body May Be Crying Out for Water
As people age, their thirst sensation gradually diminishes.
As a result, the body may become increasingly and chronically dehydrated. A decrease
in daily water intake reduces the efficiency of cell activity and can cause symptoms
that mimic disease. Unfortunately, because many people do not recognize the symptoms
of dehydration, the condition may be treated not with rehydration therapy but
with other medications.
A final overview
Jane Rea, director of editorial services at EEI Communications (publisher of the Eye), says, “I’m partial to the ‘cut to the chase’ approach used in the
last edit, especially eliminating the information about the ratio of water inside
and outside the cells. The paragraph appears to be aimed at a nontechnical audience,
and if readers have to be told that a decline from 1.1 to 0.8 is drastic, that
piece of information probably wouldn’t help them anyway.
“Each edited paragraph is significantly changed from the original.
A good editor would always prefer to query the author as to whether a rewrite
is acceptable, but Editor 4 assumes that this author wouldn’t be available
for questions — and that’s often the case. While it’s true that paragraphs such
as the original one are a real challenge, I’ve yet to meet an editor who didn’t
warm to the task. Almost all changes improve the text, and writers are (usually)
happy about the improved readability.”
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